Almost 12 years ago, my husband and I were married. We had been together for 7 years, we had lived together, our families were intertwined and everything just felt right. Then his mom died, then, well…everyone started dying and therein lies the start of trauma. Trauma is Hard.
Trauma is Hard
I remember after like the 20th or so funeral that we had attended, that I just sort of felt numb and thinking that it was weird that I was not crying or upset. That feeling really hit me at my grandmother’s funeral 5 years ago and I knew at that point that I was not really processing much of what we had been through. I remember thinking that my husband needed me and that my children needed me and my students needed me and that I would be ok, I was always ok.
That trauma and dissociation continued as Jason and I worked through some very tumultuous years of our marriage. There were so many lies, so much not said, so many things that caused hurt and most of all a huge lack of communication. Neither of us were there for each other when we needed to be and it caused a massive wedge in our marriage that caused a separation and us to nearly divorce.
These last 11 years have not been easy on us, but Jason and I continue to work on ourselves as individuals, as parents and together as a couple. We are learning to communicate and we are learning to listen. I honestly have a difficult time with this, because as he really pulled back into his depression, I felt forced to take everything on and manage every single aspect of our lives. You hear women talk about emotional baggage, but man, it was so much and I had no other choice.
Jason spent a lot of time last year working with his therapist to get through the trauma and to be the best version of himself. It has been a 180 turn and he is truly just incredible and I am more in love with him now than ever. With him fully present and focused and really the best he has ever been, now it is time for me to step back, to let him take the lead and allow myself to heal. Whoa, it’s been some healing and I am just a mess y’all.
I am in general a nit picker. I don’t particularly love this about myself, but it’s who I am and I am working on it. I over analyze basically everything and letting stuff go is not easy for me. I will hold a grudge for years…shoot even decades and learning to let all that go and find some inner peace has been some of the hardest aspects of healing to date.
Last month, I started on an anti-anxiety medication. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t find joy in life, I wasn’t taking care of things that I normally would be all over and honestly, I was a terrible person to be around. I notice a huge difference already in how I am handling things. I am able to let things roll off my shoulders, I am starting to get back into my old routines that keep me mentally strong and I am finding joy in life again. I hate taking medication, but for now, I need it and that is ok.