Out of all my friends I alone have experience 3x the amount of death than any of them have. I am not saying this to brag…in fact I wish with my entire being that I didn’t buy outfits with funerals in mind or that I wasn’t crying at work every few months because yet another loved one died or that my son was just used to attending funeral services (today will be his 5th).
Death follows me. I would say in the last 5 years well over 15 people close to me have passed (including my miscarriages). Death follows me.
Sometimes I get to a point in my life where I think, “whew, everyone is healthy, youngish and I think this will be the year that we go without someone dying.” Then I get a heaping dose of reality slapped across my face and with that, more loved ones are taken.
Last week we lost my grandma. I put her slideshow together and was an entire mess. Like ugly crying, hyperventilating, Eyan trying to comfort mommy type of mess. I have no clue what has been happening around me because I am so tuned out. Just OUT OF IT. Today is her services. I called my mom this morning to make sure she stopped by my house to grab a few things for the service.
Reality stepped in and slapped me stupid. My moms tone was somber, she was obviously crying. I checked in on her to make sure she was alright and then she said something even more terrible had happened. I immediately jumped to my children…as any mother would. She quietly mentioned a name through hyperventilating tears. Not my children…but someone who I love and cherish dearly. Someone who I have spent numerous dinners, celebrations and holidays with. Someone who is basically my brother.
I.Just.Can’t. My heart is broken even more. When is enough actually enough?