So I’m a mess. I set unrealistic expectations for myself and am now swimming in a sea of chaos with the only end being 8 months away…I think anyway. You should know that I have OCD…and no that doesn’t just mean I need things in there place and clean. That means not only do I have rituals (everything in its place, morning routine exactly, brush my teeth the exact same way and pace everyday, no sharing due to germs, etc.) but when my rituals do not go as planned, I immediately obsess over it to the point I have already decided the fate of my life. This can be over big things like bills or work to little things like the impact of forgetting to grade 1 paper the day midterms are due, causing me to automatically obsess and conclude that that 1 paper will cost me my job. Yeah was that a lot for you? Imagine what is happening in my head.
Lately nothing seems to be going in my favor with regards to balancing work and home. I have minimal time at work to successfully get work done, especially with my 3 classes to prep for, pumping, grading and all the other teacher duties. At home I am a lackluster mother. I try to make time to play on the floor with the kids but thanks to my old friend OCD, everything must be in its place before I can enjoy that time. Tonight, even though Jason cooked dinner, as soon as we were done I cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, packed lunches, unpacked today’s bags and ran to target. I barely gave my kids the attention they deserve and that is all because I cannot calm my rituals enough to just breathe and take in these precious moments.
Work…ugh work! I used to say that I was a fantastic teacher…one of the best! I could build relationships with any kid and get amazing results. Now, I can’t and I am not a good teacher. I am exhausted. We are hardly sleeping…like 3-4 broken hours a night. I cannot find the time to get everything done that is necessary to offer my students a versatile and dynamic classroom. I’m surviving and this fact alone is setting my OCD into hyperdrive. I’ve already decided that I will be fired at the end of the year. Who knows why, but every little obsessive moment guides me to the same conclusion: my data isn’t as good as normal, my AP kids are not doing as well as had hoped, the budget (for which I am in charge of) is misbalanced causing a deficient, and the topper lately…my potty mouth. Yeah my mouth is rough this year. I’m too tired to edit, so I become an uneducated person with a country twang and a ghetto background.
I have no real direction with this post…probably just a vent, maybe a little advice seeking or possibly just shining some light on the real life of someone with OCD, who doesn’t just need something clean.