Head Under Water…

…and you tell me to breath easy for a while.  The breathing gets harder even I know that. 

Seems kind of appropriate for me and my emotions lately.  Its been 6 weeks since I officially lost the baby.  I have been able to distract myself with work, Eyan, cooking, cleaning, Facebook, Pinterest and of course this blog.  But…about a week ago I decided it was time to address some of the underlying issues that come from the loss of a baby and I made an appointment with my doctor.  The appointment was yesterday and I left there feeling just a crappy as when I got there.

I am still having my period…yes still, and I wanted to address that, my crazy emotions, and see about the genetic testing.  Apparently it is normal to continue to have your period for up to 3 months, but my doctor was concerned and ordered a test of all my crazy ass hormones.  She was quick to tune into my frazzled, emotional state and kept asking if I was ok, if I needed anything, and offered some antidepressants. I DO NOT like taking medication and quickly pushed those back…people are meant to feel emotions, not numb them.  I can’t heal if I don’t feel…so the anger, sadness, and emptiness continues.  She asked me if I thought it was necessary to start back on the pill…and there I was…stuck…with a decision.  I went there fully ready to go back on the dreaded pill (I HATE the hormones!).  Then I said simply “nope.”  She asked if I said that because I wanted another baby or because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant very easily so it wasn’t necessary.  I kind of just went with the later…because I kinda believe it.  I’ve been pregnant 3 times and although two of those times were very easy, I lost both of those pregnancies.  The one and only “successful” pregnancy I have had was Eyan and it took close to a year to get pregnant with him.  So in a odd sense I do feel like it is hard for me to get pregnant…and carry it successfully.  I wouldn’t call my pregnancy with Eyan easy with the onset of Pre-eclampsia happening in February and my stubborn rear holding out to deliver until April.  Those last 2 months were horrendous. 

Anyway, the last part of the appointment, I inquired about some genetic testing that I was told needed to be ran before we decided/accidently got pregnant again.  I sat in the office for over an hour and a half waiting to get my blood drawn, only to find out I had to go to an actual lab to get the work done.  What a bust!  I left feeling like I nothing got accomplished and that this damn miscarriage business was still, never-ending. 

In addition to all this crap I have been trying to also distract myself with other insignificant dreams.  Like my husbands job, medical bills, a finished basement, a debt free life, going back to school for my masters, putting Jason into the police academy, buying a motorcycle, going on extravagant vacations and any other hopes and dreams I can imagine.  This only makes me just a little more depressed.  Two years ago, Jason and I could have afforded all of this and still had our precious baby boy!  Where did that money go…the answer…my fat rear end.  We were eating out like crazy and we happen to have some pretty expensive tastes.  Ok not all the money went there, we also made some very smart investment decisions, so I guess this part shouldn’t really depress me.

So today as I was sitting down to write this post, Sara Bareilles came on my ipod and the first line of her song spoke to me…it is only going to get harder before it gets easier.  So I have to trust in God and believe that things will fall in place, the tests will come back good (when I go get them done), some of my hopes and dreams will come true, and life will calm down for a little while.

On the upside my official weight loss from the doctor is 17lbs!!!  I guess depression looks decent on me.