Today after a 3 month internal battle with myself I finally went to the doctor to address an issue I have been struggling with.
I am depressed. I know what everyone keeps telling me, they tell me that I seem to be handling things well, that with what we are dealing with, I am coping well, that it is only natural to feel like this. However, it is not. It is not natural to not want to be around your family. It is not natural to go from being an active mom to someone who would rather just sit on the couch and sleep then actually interact with my kids or go anywhere.
I keep saying that I can see how blessed we are, how much we have done, how great our life really is, regardless of our current situation, but I cannot make myself happy. I cannot see the beauty in life. I just am fighting myself daily to not feel empty and angry.
3 months ago, I went off all of my diabetic medications (without doctor’s permission), I stopped taking my vitamin D which is also prescribed. I stopped eating well and I stopped taking care of me. On the outside I may look pulled together, as I am still getting up, getting dressed most days, interacting with people and making myself presentable. However, on the inside I am a mess, I am not a happy person to be around, I am ungrateful and a huge complainer and that is not who I want to be.
Today, I went to the doctor. It took everything I had to go into that office and tell my doctor that I stopped all my medications that I need to take to keep my body working right, to tell her that I essentially have more anger and hate in my life right now than is normal and that I do not want to be a wife, mother or well anyone right now.
I start an anti-depressant today. Even as I type this out, I don’t want to take that pill. Total self-destruction. I am going to take it. It is the first step to getting back to normal.