This month is near and dear to my heart. This is the month that I lost my first baby. Today is actually the day that Jason and I found out that the baby we were so hopeful for, was not going to make it. I was about 7 weeks along. I had not realized that I was actually pregnant for about 6 weeks but I knew my date exactly. We had told tons of family and friends about this and were elated! Jason’s mom had just gotten the terminal diagnosis and cried when we told her and said that she was going to hold on to see that baby. A week later it ended, and I thought I would never make it through. It was one of the final blows to our life after Jason’s terrible accident, subsequent loss of job, Cheryl’s terminal diagnosis and other awful circumstances. I remember crying for days, and not leaving my bed. I remember how empty I felt and how I had somehow let everyone down. I remember the amazing words from people who had also suffered loss, and the not so nice words from those who had no idea. Statements like “it probably had a genetic defect” or “it wasn’t meant to be” were just not helpful, and made me feel more angry and sad. It took until Eyan was safe in my arms for some of that hurt to subside, but still not a day goes by that I do not think about baby #1.
Eyan was a distraction and wonderful and amazing and everything I could imagine. I am SO thankful that God placed that boy into our lives and our family. I wouldn’t change the course of events leading up to him. We tried for number 2 (technically number 3) and then just stopped trying. Then got pregnant…at a pretty inopportune time in our lives. It didn’t mean we didn’t want the baby, we WANTED that baby! Excitement was high, symptoms were crazy, I was uneasy. It is like I knew something wasn’t right. By mid-December I had some spotting and an ultrasound that confirmed my fears. Baby #3 was not viable…although it had a heartbeat, the heartbeat was too low and I would miscarry in a couple weeks. 7 weeks later through more symptoms, the baby’s heart finally stopped and on my sisters birthday I went into labor and delivered that tiny baby at home. It was heartbreaking. I spent the entire day in bed, empty, sad, unable to even talk to Jason. Losing a baby felt so lonely…even the second time around. Even with the amazing support system. Even with “already having a healthy baby.” I was NOT quiet about this loss. I chronicled it right here on this blog. I questioned a lot of things after this second loss. We almost didn’t try for Emberlynn. We couldn’t handle losing another angel. Emberlynn’s pregnancy, delivery and life helped the healing, but never replaced either of my angels and neither of my children ever will. I mourn those loses consistently and it makes me more appreciative of my sweet babies here on Earth. I am lucky, I survived these losses, I am not just a statistic, I am a person, a REAL person and what I have learned is that when you talk about this, more people reach out to you that have gone through this horrible loss secretly. It helps to have that support, to not feel so lonely, to realize that even though you feel empty and awful, that you will survive this.
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