Out of all my friends I alone have experience 3x the amount of death than any of them have. I am not saying this to brag…in fact I wish with my entire being that I didn’t buy outfits with funerals in mind or that I wasn’t crying at work every few months because yet another loved one died or that my son was just used to attending funeral services (today will be his 5th).
Death follows me. I would say in the last 5 years well over 15 people close to me have passed (including my miscarriages). Death follows me.
Sometimes I get to a point in my life where I think, “whew, everyone is healthy, youngish and I think this will be the year that we go without someone dying.” Then I get a heaping dose of reality slapped across my face and with that, more loved ones are taken.
Last week we lost my grandma. I put her slideshow together and was an entire mess. Like ugly crying, hyperventilating, Eyan trying to comfort mommy type of mess. I have no clue what has been happening around me because I am so tuned out. Just OUT OF IT. Today is her services. I called my mom this morning to make sure she stopped by my house to grab a few things for the service.
Reality stepped in and slapped me stupid. My moms tone was somber, she was obviously crying. I checked in on her to make sure she was alright and then she said something even more terrible had happened. I immediately jumped to my children…as any mother would. She quietly mentioned a name through hyperventilating tears. Not my children…but someone who I love and cherish dearly. Someone who I have spent numerous dinners, celebrations and holidays with. Someone who is basically my brother.
I.Just.Can’t. My heart is broken even more. When is enough actually enough?
Erica Miller
Wednesday 25th of October 2023
Death follows me, too many to count, if a handful of years I lost my grandma, 3 months later, my mom, 8 months after that my sister in law, then my dad was 9 months after that, then my uncle. I'm between, several miscarriages, my dog, all but one cat which is up to 6 as of tonight, while I'm miscarrying at 8 weeks. After my dad, my uncle, then lastly. Sadly, my husband of 24 years. I'm 43, I barely have any family left, none that I talk to. I became homeless. Then only man that opened his house to me died. I finally got a new boyfriend. He died ( somehow, I brought him back with CPR for 10 minutes as I screamed no. I can't do this again. This doesn't even count friends. Everywhere I go, when I step away, someone dies there. I'm so afraid. I'm looking for answers. Ive seen death, and it's very scary. There is something to the grim reaper story, and it stalls me. I've tried everything spiritually. I believe in God, strongly,and have crystals in every corner of my house as of tonight. I'm afraid. When my husband died suddenly, I had no one to console me, yet Everytime I should die, or yes times I tried to die, I live, I don't understand does anyone know how to cut the trail? It's like a curse, which my dad talked about, he called it the Miller curse. I thought nothing of it until recently, I use to laugh it off and say dad, come on, that's crazy. So I ask anyone who reads this, is it crazy? Anyone have any onsite? I don't know where to turn.
Laura
Wednesday 1st of November 2023
Hi Erica, It hasn't stopped and I do not think that it will. I don't know what it is, but it is upsetting and I am so sorry to hear of your losses. There are grief support groups and therapy, both have been very helpful to me. I hope you find some peace and hopefully a stop to all the death. Laura
Dana
Monday 5th of October 2020
Death follows me also, I feel I'm cursed
Erica Miller
Wednesday 25th of October 2023
@Laura, has it stopped? I'm desperately trying to stop it. My family consists of me, 3 kids and a boyfriend oh and one cat
Laura
Tuesday 13th of October 2020
I am so sorry to hear this. It is so tough. Sending love and light.
Censie
Thursday 27th of February 2014
I am so sorry. :( THere are no words.
Anonymous
Thursday 27th of February 2014
I am deeply sorry for your loss Laura. There are no words I can say to help ease the pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family.