Good darn question…I have been soul searching, making life changes and trying to wrap my head around some rough realizations. As some of my earlier readers may have caught prior to my “archival” of certain posts, I haven’t been exactly thrilled with my place of employment. I should state first and foremost that this distaste for my job was not due to any one person…if I had to blame my feelings on anyone, I should just fault the blame on myself. I get caught up in work, I throw myself into my job and I am a worrier; all characteristics that can force a person to become “cynical” as two of my favorite people put it. I worry about everything and play out every single scenario that could possibly happen before any normal person would. That is my first problem and will come to play a little later in this post.
So what started this soul searching?
Well in short, a very close family friend (I lovingly call my aunt) passed away quite suddenly from breast/brain cancer in July. I put her slide show together and had to use a projector from my school. As I was driving up to the building, I began to literally panic. I tried to stay cool as I had some company with me, but in all honesty, I was a wreck inside and wanted nothing more then to get out of that place. Flash forward a couple days, as we were sitting at my aunts services. I heard many people get up and give testament to what an amazing women she was and how she never really got a chance to enjoy her life because she was so worried and concerned about taking care of others. That sentiment hit home hard.
In the following days, I began to filter emails from our union and district and boy were they setting a tone that was already making me cynical and grumpy. One email in particular just sent me over the edge and I really started thinking that there was no way I could go back and work in that place, no matter how much I cared about my friends (co-workers who are some of the truest friends!) or my students.
What are these “life changes?”
From my manic worrying and anxiety, I began to search for new teaching positions, closer to home. Being 45 minutes away from Eyan has always been something I struggled with, but I love the person who takes care of him SO much that I would never change that. I found a few teaching positions within 15 minutes of my house and applied for all of them. I managed to get interviews at 2 of the schools and scored in the top 2 for both. The first interview went very well and I found out later that I got beat out by a former administrator that got ousted from his post in the very district I will be teaching in this upcoming year. The second interview I personally thought went pretty bad. I didn’t feel like I represented myself and in a way I just wanted to be done with all the uncertainty and focus on going back to my co-workers and everything I had gotten used to in the last two years. Much of the feelings of giving up the new job prospects, came from another email from our district appointing someone who I respect and admire and I KNOW will be an excellent leader as well as just leaving some of the most innovative, passionate and amazing teachers I have ever met! But it was too late, I was all in. To my surprise I received a call saying that I landed the position, instead of giving a definite “yes” I hammered the principal with about 10 questions. I needed to know everything and I needed to make sure that I would be getting the support I needed to grow as a teacher. So my life change is a new job, in a new district. It is very scary and of course I am worrying about everything and extremely sad to be leaving all my friends in my former district, but I needed to do this. I needed to be in a happier place mentally and I desperately needed to be closer to my baby boy.
As I sit here worrying, I have to remind myself constantly that I have to do what is right for me and my family. What are these rough realizations you ask? Well here is a bullet pointed list:
- People close to you will pass on, and when they exit this world your own life may come into perspective…don’t be surprised when you feel the urge to make a change.
- I made a conscious decision to leave what is comfortable to me and although I have considered turning back about 50 different times in the last week, there is no turning back now.
- I am seriously going to miss my amazing friends…people say “we’ll keep in touch” but we all know how that goes. I am a forever-friend, I will text and chat and do my best to meet up with you, keep that in mind.
- This next year is probably going to define me as a teacher. My previous school taught me a ton, but I can’t honestly say that I was shaped into some amazing teacher. Some of my colleagues might disagree, but I have a lot of work to do and I am nervous.
So there it is, I am now entering a new chapter in my life…or maybe I am continuing the chapter just with a different voice. Either way, life is changing…and all this worrying is doing nothing except keeping me up. Pray for me…I think I am going to need it 🙂