My lord, life has been very challenging these past couple weeks. Many people are wondering what the heck is going on? Why are you so sad? Well many things have brought me down and really made me question what the heck I did to deserve some of this terrible stuff.
So let’s start at the beginning…of the year that is. January should have been full of hope and love, but I spent the first week of January helping to plan my great-grandmothers funeral and digesting the fact that yet another person I cherished has passed on. Jason ended up getting laid off from work sometime in February and furiously looked for jobs. In April he still was not working and I was working in what I referred to as “hell.” Life was not happy. Our marriage was struggling for many reasons, but mainly because we just plain stopped communicating after his mom passed and Eyan was born. We went to counseling and worked through our communication block to come out stronger and with more love and appreciation for each other than we had. We took a small vacation to Vegas with some family and had a nice time and things were looking up. Jason got a job and we were happy.
That is until more people/animals I cherished were called to heaven. Our dear pup Jade died very tragically and unexpectedly in May of finals week, then followed my dearest Aunt Nancy. This woman meant a great deal to me and played a huge part in my upbringing and my life. Many of my youngest memories are with Nancy and Jen (Eyans babysitter now)! Nancy was beating cancer, she had all but been cured when out of no where came a brain tumor that in 14 days took her from her family and my life forever. I spent many of the last days with Nancy and her family, just trying to cope with the fact that she really was going to heaven and I was going to have to say goodbye to another women who played a huge part in my life. Shortly after Jason lost his aunt Chrissy to an awful disease.
A few months went by and things were looking up, I landed a position at a new school that has been very positive for me and my family, Eyan was getting funnier and cuter by the day and Jason and I were doing very well. That is until Halloween weekend. A very dear friend of our family passed away very suddenly. Linda was truly and amazing woman, she loved life and her friends and family. Not even a week later, I got news through Facebook that a friend of mine was murdered in his home. What the HECK! I had just chatted with him the other day?!? This angered me to no end, regardless of circumstances, the only entity that should take life is God. They caught the murderer, but still a void was left. Then out of no where came the passing of my Aunt Kelly. In a week, I said goodbye to all three people and was left with a lot of questions and sadness.
I spent the next couple weeks preparing for the end of semester and gearing up for the holidays all while digesting all the deaths. Thanksgiving week was a very surprising week for us. Turns out that even though the hubby and I were trying to avoid getting pregnant we succeeded and on Tuesday the 22nd of November after my neighbor jokingly asked if I was pregnant, I decided that maybe I should take a test. I was feeling a bit “weird” but nothing too out of the ordinary. What the heck, I took a test and low and behold we had a faint positive show up. I followed that test up early the next morning and again there was a positive staring me in the face.
I was so scared, and sad, and happy and just all these crazy emotions. I wasn’t sure if we were ready for another baby; Eyan is still so much of a baby to me and I didn’t want to take that time away from him. We had planned on waiting about another year before TTC, but low and behold I was pregnant and we had some planning to do. We had not planned on telling many people, I wanted to tell my mom and my aunt and then try my best to keep it a secret for the next several weeks. Then came Thanksgiving, where my dad just couldn’t leave well enough alone and he told the family. At that point I gave in too and started confessing my secret to many close friends and family members. I was starting to get SO excited, but it was early and I had already had one miscarriage prior to Eyan so of course my nerves were on edge.
I went through the next couple weeks feeling fine, no real symptoms except I was moody and a bit more tired than normal. I kept waiting for the dreadful morning sickness to happen all while having this sinking feeling in my tummy that something just wasn’t right. On December 15th I started spotting and it was not normal in any way. I knew that something was wrong and that I was losing the pregnancy. I rushed to my doctor, had my blood ran and got an ultrasound. The ultrasound did not seem very promising, the technician was very somber and did not give me a whole lot of hope. She pointed out a yolk sac, a fetal pole and said that there was possibly some cardiac activity, but she couldn’t diagnose it and I would need to wait for the radiologist to make the final determination. She also told me that I was measuring a week off my dates. I knew right away that there should have been a strong heartbeat and that my dates were pretty iron clad. At this point I should have been 7 weeks not 6. I waited all last weekend for my doctor to call me with my blood and ultrasound results. Monday my doctor called, with what seemed like good news. My HCG levels were over 26,000 and the radiologist measured a heartbeat of 81bpm (low but promising). My doctor also told me that the reason I was spotting was because a cyst on my ovary ruptured (until this point I had no idea or history of cysts). She had me come in for more blood work to compare the first results to and just make sure everything was progressing ok, so on Wednesday I went in. Early Thursday morning I got a phone call that my HCG levels had only increased by 10,000 in a week, which is not good and that they wanted to schedule another ultrasound. So in I went, with a dim outlook and knowing full well what I was about to learn. The ultrasound was somewhat painful, and I just knew it wasn’t good. I waited for the doctor to talk to me and give me the grim news that the baby had died.
My doctor told me that the results were still inconclusive. There was still a fetus in there and although it showed very little growth, it still had a very low heartbeat (about 50bpm) and that I would need to go back in next week to do more blood work. So here I sit, angry at the world, knowing full well that this baby is dying and that I am just waiting to miscarry. There really is no hope and although some people are optimistic and sure that since there is a heartbeat everything will be fine, I know better. I am very intuitive and I know when things are not right and I am very confident that this baby is dying (if not already dead). I am broken, and so sad. I am angry at God and the world. I don’t understand why Jason and I are being showered with death and suffering? What the heck did we do to deserve this? In three years we have lost 9 influential people, 1 dog and 2 angel babies. This just cannot be right. I feel like I am the grim reaper and that anyone I get close to is going to die.
So this gets better. Jason has been tired and just fighting off some virus lately. He went to the doctor on Thursday and was gone for almost 2 hours which was really weird. I called him as he was leaving the doctors office only to find out that he does have a virus and that they also think something is majorly wrong with his heart. His pulse was over 130 the 3 different times they checked it. They hooked him up to a EKG and the preliminary results didn’t give much information as to why his pulse was so high. They took blood and sent him home to rest. (I was less than nice to him, I was still so angry that we were losing another baby that although I was scared about what he was going through, I didn’t have any comforting words for him.)
We got the blood results the next day. His white blood cell was low (that is what they originally told us, only to turn around and say it was high…I still have no clarification on this). Regardless, his white blood cells were out of whack. They prescribed him an antibiotic, ordered a machine that he has to wear on his heart and told him he wasn’t allowed to work until they figured out what was going on. This posed another huge problem, we rely on Jason’s check and not having that income is very scary, our reserves are running low and I am so scared that we are not going to make it.
So here we sit. So much unknown, so much anger, so much waiting, just so much. I don’t know what to do. I have lost hope, faith and any holiday spirit that I should have. I am mad at anyone that is pregnant right now, and that is terrible. I should be happy for them, but I just do not understand why everyone else gets to have these happy, healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies and every single time I have been pregnant I have either miscarried or barely lived through it. It is just plain bullshit to me. I understand the concept of loss, I understand that I need to cherish the time I spend with people because in the blink of an eye life can change and they can be gone. I get this. I know that children are an extreme blessing and that every day that I get to be Eyan’s mommy is an even better day than the last. So what the hell is God trying to teach me?
Have any ideas?