Gah, in an overwhelming moment as the tiniest peanut just would not sleep and only wanted me to hold her as she did baby yoga on my chest I just cried. I wasn’t crying because of the lack of sleep…I was crying because these moments are already fleeting far too quickly.
Then it hit me. Sunday (Jan 26.) was baby #3’s (angel baby #2) 2nd birthday. Well I guess that is how you look at it? It was the day the miscarriage was complete and I was empty. Did I even tell you all that as I went through almost 14 weeks of pregnancy with that baby, even knowing (s)he was not meant to be, I prayed everyday that they (the doctors) were completely wrong and that I would go into my next appointment and see a beautiful, developed baby with a perfect heart rate. Yup…heart.broken.
In the world of families trying to conceive and miscarriages becoming far to common place the feelings I just described above are probably pretty common. We just want medicine to be wrong and faith to fix it.
Over the last several months way too many of my friends have had to deal with the loss of a pregnancy or child. Each time it happens to them, I just retreat a bit and pray and talk with my little angels in heaven. For me it’s therapy. There is not a month that goes by that I do not think about the two angels that never made it into my arms…even with two beautiful babies that did. Miscarriage is hard. There is no magic cure or words to help. No child will replace the ones lost…distract from the pain…maybe, but replace…NEVER.
I am genuinely sad for all my friends experiencing a loss. I know the anger (at God, your body, your friends that have kids, your husband, etc), I know the emptiness, I know the depression, I know the sense of failure and lack of worth. Miscarriage is hard. Miscarriage is defining. I am not the same person I was prior to our losses. I am more empathetic, more appreciative, more understanding.
My heart is always a bit heavy when I hit these reflective states. I yearn for those babies that were never meant to be, as I think all parents do. It is always a good reminder for me to snuggle my babies a bit more, to live in the moment and to have faith. Faith is also defining.
To all my friends that are learning to live your life with a heavy heart, know that I am here for you.